A Letter To Jesus

Dear God and Diary,
     Aunt Clara said if I went to church and went into the box and spoke to Father Bruce all my evil acts would be erased and I could still get into Heaven but I ain't allowed there because of that baby drowning in the holy water basin.  Twelve grown-ups couldn't say I, without any reasonable doubt, held that little girl in that bowl but Father Bruce still said I couldn't go there no more, which sounds very unChristian to me. So I'm writing a letter to you in my diary hoping it's the same thing.
     I've been doing a lot of sinning, Lord. First there was that brat Jenny who wouldn't let me play with her doll. Jenny told me some nonsense that it once belonged to her dead mama. Like I can't be trusted with some stupid raggedy doll that her nana made. So I forced her precious doll down her precious throat. I hear she's in the sanitarium in Lambertville now.
     And there's Will Sutter who called me a fat pig because I ate his slice of mincemeat pie after I ate mine. I smashed his fat pig head in with a rock and left him face down in the crick.
     I slew his brother too a few years later. Bobby Sutter turned me down when I asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Told me I was a hideous troll-like creature whose voice was like nails on a chalkboard. I gutted him with my pappy's bowie knife and fed him to the hogs. The swine sure were hungry, Lord!
     Last year's spring cotillion was also my doing, Jesus. No one asked me to the dance and that made me mighty steamed so I lit the barn on fire and barricaded the doors. Those saps sure did make a lot of noise and, I must admit, I found the smell enticing and may have helped myself to some buttocks. I spit it out though. It was overcooked.
     I think that's all the murdering your humble servant has committed, Lord. I do hope you forgive this poor girl. I get a nasty disposition towards malice when I have been wronged.
     Thanks, Christ my savior! I feel better already! And please make eighth grade good. This year stinks like you would not believe! And I would like a pony.

     Eternally yours,
     Mary Mae MacAliister

P.S. I also killed Baby Rachel in the holy water basin. Just because those old people were suckers enough to be fooled by blonde curls and big blue eyes don't mean You are. You come across as a very smart man.